Stress can kill you. I knew that long ago because I am a physician, and I know that kind of stuff. I read books and took lots of tests, learned from smart professors and mentors, absorbing practical wisdom as well from people who knew what they were doing: nurses, pharmacists, technicians, therapists and others. I was strong and tough, with no risk factors for cardiovascular disease.  Sure, I’d have an occasional juicy hamburger and some beers but I did manage to practice a reasonably healthy lifestyle. Except for the running. That destroyed my knees some years ago.  So I chose alternative non –  knee  pounding exercise.

But my stress level was boiling like an inevitable Mount Vesuvius. I had no idea about the extent of it again, because I was tough and could handle anything, because after all, I’d survived quite a few close calls in my unusual life and there was no indication that I couldn’t weather any tornado or Tsunami that life could throw my way.

I lost the two children I loved 13 years ago. To me, the possibility of that loss would be unfathomable, and it hit me like a sledgehammer to my chest when it actually happened. I am told my loss was extremely rare and unusual, and in medical lingo, if you have an interesting or unusual case you are in reality, a gonner. Who would know that a single evil being can manifest as a soft, fragrant flower, then rise up and bite your head off? In my case, this evil thing bit my heart, then shredded it, slowly chewing each morsel in a way to inflict more searing pain. That is all I will say about that because:

We all have a story.

Elisabeth Kubler Ross did describe the five stages of grief and I experienced them, like a loyal but reluctant soldier, I finally found myself years later in a tentative acceptance phase, and life seemed to be much more livable, now that I understood I couldn’t change the past or fix it. Then, without warning, I had an MI, went into shock while working in the ICU, and I was quite lucky to survive.  You can read about it, the link is on my blog: Code Blue: A Doctor’s View of His Own Near Death Experience.

My life has changed because of that event, and I no longer feel the fear of death. Death is not the ogre that we believe him to be, while my life on this earth, given a new chance to continue, has taken on new meaning and I have a clear but peaceful sense of the gifts given to me by God. I felt his love, and he opened my eyes to the love of others.

So now I feel the constant pain of my battered knees, sometimes finding it difficult to walk; the ringing in my ears occurred within a few months of my NDE, pestering me constantly while causing me to shun noisy crowds – leaning over to those who try to talk to me on my left side. My vision is not so good but I get by and am able to see well enough and enjoy the ability to read and write. Sure there’s more, but the point of me saying this is not for sympathy, no, it is to say that I am lucky to be alive, and each pain, similar to C.S. Lewis, tells me that I am alive, here to contribute what I can to this tragic, yet beautiful world.  And it has taught me once again, that everyone has a story and don’t judge people too quickly; you don’t know what they’ve been through or are going through. I’ve learned that my little problems don’t compare to the devastation others face, and if they walk or talk in a way that bothers me somehow or offend me, I sit back and remember that they probably have a difficult story and need a helping hand.

Sometimes when I get down about things, I think about a quote my mother told me many times: “Carson, you’re alright. I don’t care what the other people say.” I chuckle. Then I remember her responses to me during her struggle with breast cancer, and I would ask her how she felt. “I’m  in good shape for the shape I’m in.”

I realize now, after many years, that the worries that invade our earthly minds on a daily basis are essentially trivial, and that there are larger concerns that we seem to forget. The first that comes to mind is love.

Peace is now within me, although it often tries to sneak out, then, when I realize there’s been an escape, I reach out and pull him back in, sometimes using a grappling hook. I am loving the gift of life God has given to me, a second chance, hoping to provide a positive influence on the lives of others while I am still on this earth.

© SRCarson