Do you feel God’s presence?

I usually write for the sake of the words themselves, carefully placing the story on paper because it should be written and not necessarily to become a bestselling author.  When I pen other words, it may be for entertainment and pleasure as well, but there are times when I write because, simply, I must.  This is one of those times.

I’m a Christian, grew up in a Christian home but I’ve never been what they call a “bible toter.”  I went to Sunday school when I was small but certainly wasn’t the star of the class, that’s for sure. Many Christians I suppose, are more well read with regard to the bible and able to recite verses that I’ve not heard. Yes I’ve always believed in God  and Jesus his son who died for our sins, yet maybe I just believed because  I thought I was supposed to because well, that was what I was taught. The sermons that I listened to, sometimes attentively, sounded good and reflected how we should act in life and toward others, but the meaning didn’t have teeth in it that I felt viscerally.  All I knew was that hard work and independent determination would bring all the success I needed.

  Without question, I’ve led an interesting life so far, filled with huge mistakes and sin and at the same time, overwhelming joy interspersed with ridiculous injections of luck into my naïve soul. I’ve fallen down spiritually when the wave of darkness has descended upon me, laughingly coursing through my veins, but just as the evil is about to take me to his dungeon, I stop, wake up, get on my knees and pray to God.

Then I easily conquer evil.  Once again.

Too many times I have been close to leaving this earth, most of the time from my own mistakes and reckless bravado, and other times well, because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Yet why do I keep making a comeback?  Why am I still here?

A certain near death experience happened to me in April, 2013.  This one though, was the real thing, and in any other circumstance than what I was in, I would’ve died.  But this experience was of unbelievable peace and infinite love.  This time I felt God.  It was a combination of power, forgiveness, peace and love without conditions.  I still feel it to this day, and when I feel it being pushed to the background of daily life, I stop, think, bring it back and smile while praising the blueness of the sky I thought I’d never see again.

I tell you this because it is my way of trying to explain this: Something inside my soul has changed.  Now, when I make rounds in the Intensive Care Unit, or for that matter, in the Emergency Department, my office or any ward of the hospital my attitude has changed.  People who know me have seen this and yes, there are times when I’m the same old stubborn and at times, impatient doctor I was before, but something deeper lingers in my soul, quietly controlling my view on life.  Interestingly I have found that when I talk to a patient family or patients themselves who are suffering from devastating illnesses or life threatening conditions, words I never heard myself say before, tumble and spew from my mouth like an open fire hydrant on the boiling streets of Chicago in the summer.  It seems I can’t control these words and after I say them, I smile and feel strength.  That’s right, I smile and feel the peace, knowing the words are correct, whether I put them there or not.  I have no fear.

After I describe the medical problems the best I can to the patient or family, I suddenly end my conversation with words like, “It’s in God’s hands.”  Or maybe I’ll say, “Do you believe in God?  He saved you today my friend.”

In fact, I said those words recently after a patient had a similar near death experience that I had, but he remembered nothing and didn’t feel the peace and love that I did.  Yet, after he said, “Thank you Dr. Carson for helping save my life,” I asked him, “What did you feel and what do you remember?”

“I remember nothing, Dr. Carson.  What happened?”

His wife listened intently

I told him about his heart stopping and how bystanders did CPR and immediately gave him electrical counter shocks and how my cardiology colleagues opened up his closed artery with stents, and although he could’ve died, he survived, completely intact.

Then I said, “God saved you my friend.  You have a new life.” He said nothing.  I walked away, and his wife stopped me outside the patient room and said, “Thanks Dr. Carson.  He’s never believed in God and I want to talk to him about this.”

Understand that I don’t proselytize and I am not a preacher.  I am simply a doctor and a man who has many faults, but I have a feeling now about God’s love for me and his willingness to keep me on this earth.  I believe, well no, I know, these words that I never said before to patients, now flow out of my mouth because he placed them there, knowing that I would be a willing vessel to recite them with pleasure and confidence.

Thank you God.

Something has changed inside me.

Do you feel God’s presence?