Dear readers:  This is a work of fiction and my own creation, and is highly unlikely to ever happen. But who knows anymore, in this bizarre world. It is for entertainment only, and may be somewhat thought – provoking to those who pay attention and keep an open mind. I will use actual real quotes from Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and Clint Eastwood.  When they are actual real quotes from their mouths in real lives, then, that will be in Italics.  Everything else, if of course, fictional entertainment.  All three will be treated fairly and hopefully without political bias and all will be embarrassed equally.  Who knows, you might even laugh, or perhaps, shed a tear at the end. However, since Mr. Eastwood is not a politician, and is instead a great actor, he is treated with the most respect.

Two senior Service agents talking:

“Yes, Potus is now finishing the 18^th hole at the Kennet Square Golf and Country Club.  But there’s a problem.”

“What problem?  We have him scheduled to head back to Washington after the round.  It’s covered and the route is secured.”

“Right.  But Potus said there’s been a change in plans.”

“What?  He changed plans again on us?”

“Yes.  Clint Eastwood, the famous Hollywood actor who was talking to a chair as if it was Obama at the 2016 Republican convention, met Potus after the round of golf and invited him to a piano bar in Wilmington, Delaware, 13 miles away.”

“Ok.  But for one thing, Potus does not drink alcohol and if I’m not mistaken, that is Biden’s home town.”

“Correct on both accounts.  See the problem?”

“Yes.  We allowed this only one time before when the president went in disguise and met Hillary at the bar. It was not a big disaster, but she did fall off a bar stool.”

“Yes, I remember, but I think we can do this if we secure the area, and put some snipers on roof tops and check the usual credentials of people and close the airport, you know, the usual stuff. But there is a wild card, you know – “

“I know.  Biden goes to bars.”

“Bingo. We need to start running.  Eastwood’s probably already at the bar.”

Clint Eastwood was wearing Jeans and a black golf shirt, but this time, no disguise.  He didn’t hide himself much, and at the age of 90, most people didn’t recognize him very often anymore, especially the young people, like Scott, the young bartender who was maybe 25.  He was clueless who the older man was, although he seemed to have a certain confident authority to him, even though he was a grandfather type. Clint was in the middle of the bar, talking with Scott about the young man’s future plans and was already starting to enjoy his cold beer while sneering intermittently at the TV that had CNN news on.

The secret service walked in first, through the back door, sat two agents down in the back of the bar, one at each end of the bar and they said nothing, staring straight ahead, and dark sun glasses on. There were a handful of people at tables, who they frisked and checked out, and let them stay. Then they let Trump walk in and he sat to the right of Clint, six feet away.  He wasn’t disguised either, except he wore a FDNY baseball cap rather than his usual red MAGA cap.

“Thanks for inviting me here Clint.  I appreciate the hospitality.”

“No problem Donald. How was your round of golf?”

“Not my greatest round you know, but, most of my great rounds are on my Florida Country Club or at my amazing course in Scotland. I own some of the greatest golf courses in the world!”

Clint said, “I like Pebble Beach, played a few Pro – Ams there over the years, but now, at my age, if I finish 18 holes successfully, I’m happy as hell. I’ll buy you a beer Donald.”

“No thanks Clint. I don’t drink.  But I’ll have a large lemonade.”

Clint chuckled. “A man’s got to know his limitations.“

Scott interrupted both men and said, “All drinks on the house for the president!”

Trump said, “Scott, do you know who this is sitting in front of you?  This is Clint Eastwood, the famous Hollywood actor, you know, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Dirty Harry and a lot more! I think this is going to make my day as well as yours. Oh, and by the way Scott, in case you are wondering, my hair is not orange, so don’t even think about it. It is great hair though, isn’t it?”

Scott wisely didn’t comment about the president’s hair, but then, when he realized who was sitting next to him, his mouth dropped open in shock.  “Josey Wales is here?  Drinks on the house for Josey and the President!”

“No, said Donald Trump.  I’ll take care of all of it.  My treat. He put a 100-dollar bill on the bar and gave it to Scott.  “I will never inconvenience this establishment, especially after all we went through with Covid.  Thanks for having us.  But all I ask is that you turn off the lying CNN on your TV and change it to sports or something, if there are any sports anymore, since everybody has ignored me and canceled everything to purposely ruin the economy that I built so well. The greatest economy ever I built!  CNN is Fake news!”

Then a secret service agent whispered in the president’s ear something that he needed to know.  Trump said, “Are you kidding me?”

Then, in walked Joe Biden and both security details looked at each other in amazement, and Biden sat down on the left side of Eastwood.  He was oblivious to Eastwood, but saw Trump and his security detail and shouted down the bar, past Eastwood, Hey Don, what in the hell brings you to my neck of the woods?  Trying to steal some votes from me?   Then, he ordered a large mug of beer and told the bartender to put in on Trump’s tab.

“No, Sleepy Joe, I was down the road playing golf and got thirsty and Clint Eastwood here, kindly invited me for something to drink. Great to see they let you out of hiding though.”

Joe looked at Clint and it didn’t register to him who it was.  “Nice to meet you Clint. I liked you in the movie The Witches of Eastwick. Bollywood actors donate a lot to the Democrats and support us, so I appreciate you guys in Bollywood.”

Trump heard this, and couldn’t help but spit out his mouthful of lemonade across the bar, and it dripped down the front of a bottle of Jack Daniels. “It’s called Hollywood, Joe.”

Eastwood squinted at Biden, because he obviously knew nothing about Clint or his movies, then sneered and said, “I reckon so, Mr. Boden, I mean Biden.  But tell me, what is your gun control policy, if you become elected President?”

Biden looked down at the bold printed cue cards he had in his sleeve, then said, “I have no comment on that Mr. Eastlick, they told me not to talk about it anymore without further destructions, I mean er, instructions.”

“I have a strict gun control policy,” said Clint. ““f there is a gun around, I want to be in control of it. And the fact is, participating in a gun buy back program because you think criminals have too many guns, is like having yourself castrated because you think the neighbors have too many kids.“

“Don’t tell me that Pal, or I’m going outside with you man. I’ll have you know that I’m running for the U.S. Senate and we choose truth over facts!  I’m going to challenge you to a push – up contest, Mr. Eastlick,” said Biden.

Biden clearly didn’t realize who he was talking to.  Clint ordered another beer and then his face turned cold and faced Biden.  “I tried being reasonable, and I didn’t like it.“

“Harrumph”.  Trump wasn’t used to being ignored, so he had to fix that problem immediately. After all, he was the president and that’s that.  “Hey Joe, what’s this ridiculous Green New Deal you democrats are trying to ram down our throats to destroy our economy? As far as the economy and my presidency, I’ve done more than perhaps any president in the first 100 days. And you know, the media is – the word, I think one of the greatest of all terms I’ve come up with – is fake! What’s wrong with farting cows anyway Joe? What’s that got to do with destroying the atmosphere?  It’ll destroy the cattle ranchers, that’s for sure and we’ll be eating piles of vegetables and seaweed if you guys get your way.”

“C’mon man!” Don, you don’t know anything? Eliminating farting cows is one step we must take to decrease methane gas release to the atmosphere which absolutely will reduce greenhouse gas and therefore, global damn warming, you moron!” Said Biden.

“Hey sleepy Joe. Democrats eat a ton more beans and plant food than Republicans so they fart a lot more, so if they convert and become Republican meat eaters, there will be less methane released.  In fact, if you guys send “Fat Jerry” (Nadler) to Mars on the Mars explorer, methane release will be reduced by a huge amount because I am sure he farts more than most large cows.”

Clint laughed at this exchange between the two candidates, then said, “I have a ranch of sheep, one of which is black at my Mission Ranch in Carmel, and I am sure they fart a lot, and you damn well better not touch my sheep and if anyone tries, I have a 44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and would blow your head clean off. You’ve got to ask yourself one question:  Do you feel lucky?  Well do ya punk?“

With that, the secret service agents jumped up and prepared for action to protect Biden, but they knew it was Clint and he was just quoting some of his famous movie scenes, so they sat back down. But I think everyone got the message loud and clear and the tension in the room skyrocketed.

But Clint wasn’t finished, and maybe it was the beer that was loosening him up a little, so he asked both of them, “what are you guys going to do about all the violence in the cities now, and destruction of people’s stores, and livelihoods, and they do not even know what they are protesting.  Isn’t the violence part of a broader Marxist scheme to destroy the structure of our great country, using Antifa and the BLM movement, which really isn’t about black lives at all?”

Trump said.  “Yes, we must stop the violence and restore law and order to our great cities. Peaceful protesting is of course, fine, but violence and destruction of people and property cannot be tolerated. If the democratic mayors simply ask me, I will send in the National Guard to help clean it up what they refuse to clean up. I am great, and they are afraid of my greatness.”

Biden said, “Violins?  Yes, I enjoy violins when I go to the symphony orchestra and other hot rock bands and sometimes on record players.“

“No Sleepy Joe,” said Trump.  “Violence!  And what do you think about the Black Lives Matter organization, and it’s charter, not the three words themselves, literally?.  Do you know the difference?”  He ordered another lemonade.

“Yes”, said Joe, “I believe Black lives Matter.”

“All lives matter.  Black, white, yellow, red or whatever color.” Said Trump.

“How can you say that Don?  Are you a racist?” said Biden.  He looked down at his cue cards with large print and said to himself silently, yes, that is what they wrote for me to say, to use the word racist when I can and only say BLM many times.  Right.  I said what they told me to say.

“What did you call me?” said Trump

After this exchange, Clint had enough.  He stood up and looked at both presidential candidates and slammed his last beer down on the bar.  Scott jumped.  Clint said, “respect your efforts, respect yourself. Self – respect leads to self – discipline. When you have both firmly under your belt, that is real power. Maybe I am getting to the age when I am starting to be senile or nostalgic or both, but people are angry now. You used to be able to disagree with people and still be friends. Now, you hear these talk shows and everyone who believes differently from you is called a moron or idiot – both right and left.  Gentleman, I’ve had enough.  I am going to the piano to play some music and cool things down a bit.”  So, he walked over to the piano in the corner and started playing, while Trump and Biden turned and watched.

The first song he played, was Yellow Rose of Alabammy (Alabama) that was played during his movie, The Outlaw Josey Wales.  Then, remarkably, both candidates walked over to the piano and joined Clint as he played the Righteous Brother’s song, You Lost that Loving Feeling. The secret service agent’s mouths were wide open in shock, even though they were taught not to show emotion, and some had tears in their eyes as both Trump and Biden started singing with emotion:

You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.

And there’s no tenderness like before in your fingertips.

You’re trying hard not to show it.

But baby, baby, I know it…

You’ve lost that loving feeling…

When they finished the second chorus, Clint kept playing but softer, and Trump said, “I love Milania, and Biden said, “I love Jill.”  Both men looked at each other, and Biden said, “You know Don, I learned a lot about you today, and you are not a bad man. You’re a good man and I think we should do this again.  Trump said, “Yeah Joe, you’re alright too, let’s do it again some time. God Bless America.”

And with that, Clint made one final piano flourish and they all left.

©SRCarson 2020