“Hi Carson, how’re you doing?  I walked next to this other doctor who was also a specialist.

“I’m doing fine Dave. Just enjoying a fine weekend at work, curing disease and pestilence.”

He walked slowly it seemed, and I had to slow my pace down so he could catch up as we walked down the hallway.  The nurses at the other side of the hospital needed me to help them with someone who was not doing well.

“When are you going to retire?  Said Dave.

Once again, for about the 50^th time in the last 4 months, someone asked me this again. I looked in the mirror, and I thought I didn’t look too bad, I didn’t have as much hair any more, but enough so that REAL females could play with it still. I can still, you know um, do the thing. Oh yes, and I am told I don’t have much in the way of wrinkles.  And I still have all my teeth, with no false ones or veneers or anything. But damn, why does everyone keep asking me this?  It makes me think that I am old and decrepit, but I certainly don’t feel that way, unless of course, some pungent turd asks me about retirement, then, I start to feel it as soon as the word when escapes from their careless and slovenly mouths.

“Well Dave, I don’t know.  I’ll know it when I know it.”

“My wife tells me I need to retire.  Maybe she is correct. I am feeling a little tired I guess.”

The truth is, this is a nice guy who is 11 years younger than I am, so I had no sympathy for him.  Or maybe, I had a little sympathy because he had a boss at home who was telling him what to do. Truth is, I think he’s the one that wants to retire, but he wants to be macho and blame it on his wife, who I am sure is very nice. I remember him sometimes being nowhere to be found, so staff would call me for help, because I was available. So, he said goodbye and turned to go feed his face in the provider’s chomp-fest lunch room while I kept moving down the hall to save who I could save, if possible.

“Have a good day, Dave. Beaucoup Dien Cai Dau.”

“Huh?” He mumbled, but didn’t want to take the time to ask me about that phrase.  Hunger it seemed, overwhelmed his senses into a cloudy haze of himself and his own visceral needs.

So, I went and did my duty, and felt satisfied with my work, and that perhaps, I made a difference.  Nurses are my angels as I wrote before multiple times, and without them, I would not have survived in 2013.  Oh yes, and with the help of an amazing cardiologist and fate, but this fate was directed by God the almighty composer, and he decided to save me by conducting a shiny symphony of health care perfection.

Yes, I remember.  In fact, there are some who asked me why I came back to work after that near death, in 2013.  Yes, curious people want to know:  I was very young then, just barely out of residency training. Yeah, right.  But then, sometimes you define years as just months, it seems. Sorry, but I cannot release my age. There are people watching me closely: some good, some not so good.  And there may be several it seems, who don’t want me on this earth anymore.

Beaucoup Dien Cai Dau is what I say.

So, yes, I could retire.  And maybe people ask me this constantly because of one of my long-time partners retired completely, three months ago, despite being a year younger than I am.  But I am not ready. I don’t think he was ready either.  I feel I still contribute both in the intensive care unit and in the office, where I still have some old-time patients who depend on me, and seek my advice, even when it is out of my field.  I guess, because I have received their trust.  In fact, some of these older patients, who have been through a lot with me trigger me to say this when I walk in their exam room: “Oh no, not you!”  Then, I turn around and act like I am walking out.  Then, they say, “Hey Doc, can I ask for another doctor today?”

Then, I walk back in and say, “Yes, you can ask but seems you are stuck with me.”

It is a standard thing we say and do, and we both laugh about it.  And so does their wife.  Some patients teach me a lot, about their previous careers, and about life.  They open up to me and I try to give them some more minutes to talk.  They are diamonds, and I am not ready to give up that treasure. 

But then, there are others who are not diamonds.

Sure, I like vacations as much as anyone else, but I am not ready for 365 days of vacation at this point, and I still have a feeling of self-worth, that I cherish and it is a gift from God, and I know that was his message to me in 2013.  Not only that, but to those who know me, they realize I do not have any close family so why retire?

No retirement for me yet. Although I guess, my opinion may change at any moment.   Until maybe my world-famous books are made into movies and I must do speaking tours etc. and I will have an entourage of rabid admirers who demand all my precious non-medical time.  Yeah…

Beacoup Dien Cai Dau:  for the very few of you who have not read my books, you will need this definition: it was brought home from the Vietnam war by soldiers, and is Vietnamese slang for crazy in the head.

But that does not apply to me of course.

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