LOSING YOUR NOVEL WRITING VIRGINITY: FOR DOCTORS

Now that my novel writing virginity is lost forever, I can now speak with some expertise about the process. Well, maybe not that much expertise, but I’ve been knocked to the mat a few times and have had my prideful ego flushed down the toilet more times than I thought possible at various writing conferences and critique sessions. So now, just like doing procedures in medicine: “See one, do one and teach one.” Here are my thirteen tips that will guide you haughty physicians down the path to novel writing publication:

• You’re a king in the operating room, but you’re a lowly worm in the writing community. So get used to it now.
• Go to a writing conference to learn the craft. Take good notes. Memorize them then throw them out, because you’ll never look at them again.
• There are hordes of women at these writing conferences, and they’re great writers. If they wanted to, they could write you into a corner anytime they wanted, leaving you in a quivering mess of writing jelly. Don’t tempt them; you’ll regret it.
• If one of these women writers smiles at you, don’t get excited. It’s a tease designed to destroy your will to continue.
• When you go to the conference – sponsored lunch and sit at a round table that seats 10, and there is one seat left and the rest are occupied by nice – dressed women talking fast and vociferously, avoid the temptation to take that seat oh king of your own universe. They’ll eat you up so quickly you won’t know what happened.
• If you want to impress a woman at a writer’s conference, tell her you write “Sexy Steam Punk” or “Fantasy Sci – Fi crime thrillers with a sexual theme.”
• Never tell anyone at a conference that you write romance. The women will step on your toes with their Stiletto heels and put tags on your back that say, “He don’t get romance”. The men will think you are gay.
• If you think you are a good writer when you start, you aren’t even close.
• You may know medicine quite well but you don’t know jack s… about writing.
• Work hard. Never give up, and listen to the experts. Then ignore what they say.
• When you describe your work to two experts, one will say, “go left”, the other will say “go right, he’s stupid.” When that happens it’s best to think about it deeply for about thirty seconds, then start drinking heavily.
• Writers drink heavier than Russian Sailors. Remember Ernie H? If you do it right, you can achieve some inspiration this way as long as you drink along the ascending curve of creativity. It falls quickly after that.
• Please continue to maintain your medical license and your practice. You’ll need a job.