I’ve only known maybe two Franks and actually one Ralph in my lifetime. Maybe more but I can’t remember anymore. Neither Frank was particularly impressive I suppose, but the Ralph I knew was an ok guy and we ran track together. That’s about it. But it seems to me that even though Ralph and Frank are names that certainly aren’t very common, only Frank has been successful in dominating the conversation in the entire English – speaking world. In fact, Frank has thoroughly dominated Ralph in every day conversations and so now, I can’t seem to get Frank out of my memory no matter how hard I try.

Who would’ve figured?

Why has Frank been so impressive that we use his name millions of times every day? I think we need to have a frank conversation about this. Some say it is because Frank was honest, and forthright with his words. I don’t know. Frankly, I don’t care anymore. I’m a little tired of it. Do you think Frank gets royalties on each time his name is used in spoken or written English? Frankly, I mean honestly, it sounds a little silly at times, you lucky old boring Frank.

So, I did a little research on this. The Miriam Webster dictionary defines ‘frank’ as open, honest, direct in speech and writing, especially when dealing with unpalatable matters. Does that mean Frank is classy? I don’t think so, because let’s face it, smelly pus as well as bleeding is often times preceded by his name. You know, frank pus and frank bleeding? So, he may not be as great a guy as everyone thinks.

Pus and bleeding? But have you ever noticed, you never hear his name before sex? You know, ‘frank sex?’ Poor guy. His name is often before smelly pus and bleeding but never sex. But who knows, maybe Frank will start getting mentioned in sex too. If so, does that mean frank sex is honest or open sex as opposed to dishonest sex?

I must admit, sometimes I even fall into the trap of using his name. Instead of saying ‘honestly’, most people hope I am honest when I make a statement. It’s like saying, “Now I will stop being dishonest and say that I am honest before I speak.” But instead, I say, “frankly, I believe this and that.” Then I feel better because I didn’t say ‘honestly’ and people think it is a cool way of communicating without saying that honest word.

Frankly, I’m tired of using the word frank. Unfortunately, it’s going to be difficult to get him out of our language and unfortunately, poor Ralph has been relegated to being only used in one way in our English language. Yes, you know what that one way is:

Vomit.

Yes, vomit and puke. Poor Ralph now simply means vomit.   The patient was ralphing so hard we thought he was going to tear his esophagus!  But how did Ralph end up being used this way?  What bad things did he do in his life to deserve this?

Let’s be frank about this. If I see frank being used one more time in this piece I’m going to start ralphing real hard!

© S.R.Carson 2018