Having just finished my general surgery residency, I decided to take a trip to New Orleans to the Chest/Thoracic surgery national conference. My last “hurrah” before cardiovascular surgery residency prison. The University paid for registration at the meeting and the hotel, and my friend who was a flea – otherwise known as an Internal Medicine resident, went with me. We went to separate conference lectures and presentations, and gathering tickets for free dinners from drug reps. But usually we found each other in the evening on Bourbon Street enjoying the sights and sounds of the Big Easy. Thankfully, all these nighttime distractions were within staggering distance of our hotel, and the hurricane that passed through the city 5 days earlier was now just content to pound us with wind and rain. We didn’t care.

Finally, after three days of conference and New Orleans culture, the two graduating residents boarded the plane back to our Midwestern University campus. He missed his wife, and well, I missed my girlfriend – yes, a sultry seductress with a structure that could stay airborne with the appropriate power plant and a skilled pilot. Problem was, I was no longer flying fighters, so I had to settle for single engine Cessnas when I had free time. But I did call the national weather service before boarding the plane, even though I was a passenger on a United flight, so I could hear the weather information that the pilots had. Made me nervous to be in another pilot’s hands but hell, they were superbly trained, and many were colleagues of mine in my previous life.

“Hey Carson, this plane is maybe only a third full. Never saw anything like this before!”
“Guess you’re right. Only five minutes before the scheduled take off. There will be some stragglers, but either way, we’ll have our choice of seats, stretch our legs and catch some shuteye. Must’ve been the hurricane aftermath rescheduling some connecting flights.”

We both stretched out, Jim on one side of the plane with empty seats all around him, and of course, I was on the other side in the same situation, looking for ways to sack out on as many seats as I could.

And then: “Attention everyone. Due to the weather conditions, we are not a full flight, and we will be welcoming the passengers of a private jet that was grounded. Please make these passengers comfortable.”

Jim and I looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders and realized that the plane would soon be full and we’d have to sit in our regular seats. Then the flight attendant got back on the intercom:

“And by the way, that private jet is owned by the Dallas Cowboys, and it is full of the entire contingent of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! Please make them feel welcome.”

Are you kidding? Did I just hear her correctly? Our plane was being invaded by the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! I looked at Jim, his face turned crimson and he was busy picking up all his stuff from three other seats to make room. My heart raced, and I finger – combed my hair quickly without letting anyone notice while I tucked my shirt in and desperately searched my carry on for some cologne to splash on, and thankfully, it was there. Of course, I was in the window seat with two empty seats to my left to stretch out in, but I quickly flushed that scenario down the toilet of folly. I purposely sat in the middle of the three seats, therefore forcing two cheerleaders to sit one on each side of me. The danger was of of course, that if the two of them sat together then they would ignore me and talk too much to each other. But then what would I talk about if I had one on each side of me? I had nothing to talk about! Oh yeah, best thing was to talk about them and try not to act like a dog in heat with floppy tongue hanging out. Act cool. Suave and debonair, whatever that meant. Oh no, here they come down the aisle! Try not to stare and act like a schoolboy.

They entered the airplane, giggling, smiling, and swaying with those merciless feminine hips and red lipstick and well, there must’ve been thirty of them. I counted everyone. Blondes, redheads, brunettes, but all bouncy and cute. Sit up straight Carson and act cool then just…

“Excuse me sir may we join you?”

“Oh absolutely! One blonde and one brunette in my seat cluster. I got up and let the brunette in first because she wanted the window seat, and thankfully her friend wanted aisle, and well, that left me in the – you know, middle.”
“Thanks for accommodating us. Our chartered plane was grounded and we didn’t lose much time getting on your plane.”
“My pleasure. Sorry about your delay. Name’s Carson. Nice to meet you.”

“Kim.” The brunette held out her dainty hand and I held it, I mean shook it. Gently. She smiled widely.

“Lori.” The blonde had warm hands and long nails and legs that went on forever. Both of them had very lucky red lipstick.
We talked about how difficult it was to compete to make the DCC team and how they all enjoyed traveling, but they both had alternate careers planned after. Turns out they were flying to our city to do a charity dance performance in a town nearby that weekend. I thought I did a pretty good job of not slobbering or stuttering too much. Thankfully, I used a double dose of antiperspirant before I left.
Lori gave me her standard picture of herself previously signed with her smiling in full pom- pom/short skirt regalia. Kim handed me a picture too, but she signed it personally in front of me, and told me her birthday was in a couple days. She would be 25, and I felt thankful I was still 29. Hoped she liked older men.

After we landed, we said our goodbyes and both ladies waved with those soft feminine waves and of course, I had to hold on to my seat because the rhythm of their walks hypnotized me. I knew I would never experience this again.

Jim and I deboarded and were so shocked we couldn’t say anything but smile at each other. He was still red. Then he met his wife at the luggage carousel and I went to pick up my car.

I pulled out Kim’s picture again while I let the engine warm up, then decided to turn it over. And there I saw it – her personal phone number and the hotel where she and her teammates were staying.

I smiled so widely, I had to pull my lips back down before the spasm froze permanently.

SRC