Disclaimer: This blog piece is political satire and pure fiction. It could never happen in real life. I think. For those of you who have a tendency to get your fancy underwear all wound up about your candidate, here is my advice: Lighten up. This piece will offend both sides of the political spectrum.

About once a month for the past six months or so, the Secret Service guarding both major party presidential candidates has been facilitating clandestine meetings between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. This piece is a hot scoop of the last rendezvous that occurred at a quiet, nondescript bar at an undisclosed location in a completely clueless town.  On that recent night, Hillary chose a long red wig, sunglasses and a body slimming black pant suit. Donald sported a Chicago Cubs baseball cap, since a NY Mets cap might give him away despite the bald cap hiding his famous hair.  The heavy black rimmed nerd glasses offered a nice touch as well.

The two sat side by side at the bar, ignoring each other while staring at the TV in front of them, secret service agents on each side. Hillary horded the channel changer, making sure it was tuned to CNN or MSNBC, ABC or CBS while The Donald quickly grabbed it and tuned it to Fox News as his only choice. Truth is, he really wanted the Playboy channel if it was available on the Satellite. The agents were hoping he would choose the PB channel also, but he refrained this time.

“Donnie”, said Hillary finally. “I hate Fox News. All they do is talk about the stupid classified U.S secrets on my emails that I deleted from my personal server, Benghazi and other lies they come up with.  The only channels that feature real honest journalists are CNN, MSNBC, ABC and CBS.”

“You must be high. I’ve noticed you sniffling a lot, so you must be smoking crack. I suggest we both take drug tests Hill.  Clear the air.  If you were honest with yourself, you’d realize those other channels don’t care about true honest journalism, as long as they bow to you and elect you by themselves!  The system is rigged and those media organizations are in bed with you and your campaign.”

Hillary smiled and adjusted her pant suit. “Speaking of bed Donnie, it’s been a long time since I, you know, had any special intimate attention from a man. You know, Bill…

“Yeah, we all know Bill.”

“Well, I’m feeling really good right now. The millions my campaign has spent finding women to accuse you of groping them or making lewd comments in the past has paid off. It has successfully kept the focus off the real issues that show my weakness and keeps the spotlight on your mouth. But you know, I must tell you something I’ve never shared with anyone.”

“What’s that?” said Donald.

“Well, um, secretly I’ve often fantasized that actually I was one of the women you were trying to feel or seduce. That would be so hot!”

“No way!”

“Sadly, yes, exactly what I’ve had my people accuse you of so brutally, I like that in a man.”

“Interesting. You’re a lot older than the women I usually go for. I prefer young models who are impressed with my huge wealth and power.  But hell, I must admit that I really like that you are a strong willed woman, who never quits  I like that in a woman. Who knows, maybe we could um…

“Um what Donnie?”

“Be lovers. I know that’s what you want. But if I was to let this happen and satisfy your weird fantasies Hill, what will I get in return for my extreme sacrifice?”

“Donnie, it’s obvious to every reasonable person with a brain who is not a deplorable that I will win the election. Most American voters are naive and gullible and will believe anything I say just because you know, I’m Hillary, and nothing sticks to me.”

“Poop sticks to you.”

“C’mon now.  When I’m  president, I will reward you by making you ambassador to Iceland!” said Hillary.

“That’s really generous. Truth is, I’d rather have needles poked in my eyes while I watch Obama draw lines in the sand and throw our money down the toilet. I’m going to win.and it’s going to be Yuge!  I’ll win because I’m  very rich and a great business man, taking no money from special interest groups.  The fact is, I’m wonderful and I will fix everything while showing all world leaders my great hair.  But if Americans are naive enough to elect a criminal like you, and you want some special attention in the bedroom, then I’m  going to need something much more powerful than a stupid ambassadorship to some tiny country. And we all know what you do to Ambassadors, Hillary.”

She smiled her famous molded smile. “Ok Donnie. Tell me what you want dear.”

“I want to be nominated and then confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice with the next vacancy, and the next vacancy after that will be my choice, whispered softly into your welcoming ear.”

“Ha! You are great with the art of the deal, that’s for sure, but this is between us. I’ll have to think about it. We will see…”

“You’re right, I’m  a master of the deal. That’s what this country needs. America first.”

“Wake up Donald! You’re a hopeless womanizer, and clearly unfit to be president, but I can’t help but love that about you. I’ll just have to ignore that you are a racist, a xenophobe, a homophobe, a germaphobe and probably a cute puppyphobe!”

“Hillary, I love how you lie. You do it with such charm and grace, as if you actually believe your lies. Sure we all know the truth about how you abandoned our people in Benghazi when they asked for help, your destruction of classified emails on your private server even after a congressional subpoena and your accusations against Bill’s sexual accusers as if they were dogs and prostitutes. But you are well aware that many Americans would rather ignore your sliminess and pay to play, so they can attack my playboy antics and womanizing. After all, terrorism and a destroyed economy is not as important as sex, right Hillary?”

“Exactly.”

“I guess in the end, I really like you for your never quit attitude, even though you’re wrong.”

“So, Donnie dear, is the answer yes?”

“I need to think about it. What about Milania? What will she think?”

“Welcome to politics. Donnie. We do or say anything at all to get votes. Bill and I are above the law and that makes me feel powerful.  And speaking of Bill, I’m sure he’ll try his best to keep Milania busy while the two of us need our special time together.”

“Right, of course. I guess I could sure use that powerful Supreme Court seat, and I’d look fantastic in that long black robe.  It’ll  go great with my hair. I would kick ass on the Supreme Court with all those old fogies! But I need guarantees.”

With that, Donald finished his Guinness with a foam mustache, smiled at the bar maid and then stared at her ass before leaving a 100 dollar tip and Hillary finished her martini, fell off her bar stool and the secret service agents picked her up off the floor and escorted them both away to their waiting cars.

© 2016 SRC