I love women in all their glorious feminine splendor; they are truly beautiful creatures placed on this planet to grace us with a civilization us filthy guys can’t comprehend.  However, having said that, what I am about to write applies predominantly to women, guilty of this horrible act almost 97.8% of the time, according to my calculations.

It seems whenever I enter a grocery store checkout line, I’m standing behind a, um, woman, and I watch in impatiently, listening to the conversation between the check out person – if it happens to be a woman, and the customer.  Usually, I’m looking at my watch at least every 10 seconds during the conversation while my eyes scan the door, hoping for an escape. Maybe I don’t need this food so bad.  I am growing old waiting and I can feel the gray hairs start to sprout on my chin.  She scans one item…then they talk…scan another item…then more conversation…about nothing.  What the heck is so interesting to talk about in a grocery store check – out line?  Not always, but then my worst fear hits when I see the checkbook pulled out, not at the beginning of the scanning process, but at the end.  No writing done until the very end, but of course the conversation isn’t ended.

“Did you know these Brussels sprouts were on sale hon?”

“Well no I didn’t, but thanks.  You’re such a dear!”

“I’ll search in this basket down here for a coupon for you if you don’t have one.”  She fumbles around for an eternity, never finding it but giving her the sale price anyway.

“Did you have a nice Christmas?  Looks like you didn’t get enough turkey because you’re buying another one.  I love turkey too, especially sweet potatoes and thick juicy gravy.  Hmmmm”

“Lovely Christmas thanks for asking.”  The checkbook I desperately notice, is still safe in her massive purse.  “My kids came over and wouldn’t you know it, my daughter brought her new boyfriend and he’s a jerk!”

“You don’t say? Must’ve been a horrible Christmas for you trying to smile when you didn’t like him.”

“Right and you know I didn’t like the bedroom arrangements you know…”

Then after it was all over, she asks if she has a bluebird grocery card.

“Oh yes I forgot.  Can you scan it now and give me the discount on everything?” She fumbled in her purse for her card, I think for about a decade.

“No problem hon, it will save you lots of money.”

By this time, I was looking for the fire alarm to pull it to end this nonsense. Then everyone would have to drop everything and run!  Yeah!  I felt the smoke coming out of my ears, but I didn’t care anymore.  C’mon already, get your talkative butt out of the line, pay your bill and let the planet live on!  I even wanted to jump over the counter, do the scanning myself and then immediately pay her bill with my credit card, and personally escort her out of the store.  It would’ve been quicker.  My muscles tensed, and I almost jumped when…

“Thanks for shopping with us today, and have a good day hon.”

“You too and have a great and healthy New Year and don’t work too hard and I hope you don’t get varicose veins standing here checking people out because you know, my veins had to be…”

That was enough.  I threw all my stuff on the counter right in front of the customer, forcing the employee to start the scan process.  Hopefully this prevented her from taking a break right then and there.

“How are you sir?  Did you find everything ok?”

“Great.  Yep. And you?”

That was it, the extent of the conversation.  She finished mine with twice the amount of groceries in half the time.

“Will you be needing any help out sir?”

I felt like saying, “Thank you but I am an able bodied man capable of carrying my bags and pushing the cart myself.  Can’t you see that?  Please help other people who really need it, and don’t waste your breath on guys like me because we will always say no.  If we say yes, then you know we’re weenies ready for roasting.

“No thanks.”

“Have a good day.”

“You too.”

See how easy that was?  Short, but certainly pleasant and courteous.  I didn’t tell her that I didn’t get any sleep last night because I was on call, I was hungry, my feet stank because I didn’t have time to do laundry, my head hurt and I’m glad Christmas was over.  And no, I don’t have varicose veins and I need a beer.

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, and I must confess you’re right.  Some men do this too, I guess, although I’ve never witnessed that legend.  Here is the exception I’m talking about, and I’m sure all men will agree.  If the woman in front of you looks like a Victoria’s Secret model, buying only fruit and vegetables, my preference, and I’m sure other men would agree, is that she take her sweet time and discuss each vegetable in detail, especially if the conversation veers toward her latest pictorial.  Time will stand still at that point.  To hell with my previous commitments, this is serious business! And of course, if the clerk asks if she wants help going out to the car, I will jump to the rescue!

Seriously though,  dreams are made for nighty night time, not in the grocery line, right?  I think it should be illegal to delay the grocery line from the progress that civilization needs.  Therefore, I will propose a law that prohibits more than nine words to be uttered by a customer at the checkout line.  These words are:  “I am fine”, “And you?”, “Yes”, “No” and finally, “You  too.”

These will be in response to standard questions:  “How are you”, Did you find everything ok?”, “Need any help outside?” and finally, “Have a good day.”

If any more than nine words are uttered by the customer, the electronic word checker will flash and the tollbooth at the exit will lock and demand a 10% toll.

That will solve the problem, increasing revenue for the sole purpose of buying free beer and giving it to the customer behind and save all of us countless hours of precious time that we could be spending at home doing something important like watching football on the TV.

SRC