Disclaimer:  This short piece is called satire, and is not reflective of the opinion of Danish people in general, but they are words that begged my fingers to type them, so I couldn’t help it, therefore, I am not at fault.

I am told by some people who I believe were sober that I appear to be of Danish descent, and for that I am proud. But since I am a Danish descendant (not a “danish”) there are some things that I must speak out about.  The truth is, I am sick and tired of Danish discrimination.

Our name is besmirched constantly and used to describe sweet rolls, you know those delicious pastries with lots of creamy gooey stuff in the middle and also delicious fruit jellies and a billion calories. Yum!  We are not “danishes”!  In fact, we are real people with tremendous culture flooded with art, science, architecture and lots of bicycles.  You know, remember the famous physicist Niels Bohr and of course the fairy tales of Hans Christian Andersen?

The discrimination is rampant and everywhere.  Fattening danish rolls are stuffed into cavernous stomachs everywhere and we are accused of inventing them but we didn’t.  These pastries should actually be called “Austrians” because they were invented in Vienna and we actually call them Viennese bread or Wienerbrod.  I am incensed that people throughout America discriminate against us and use the “d” word indiscriminately.  It really hurts our pride and our children grow up listening to this slander.

We are not “danishes” and we are not causing the massive obesity epidemic in this country that is swallowing our once mighty cities, but we are accused of it constantly!  We have our rights too.  I don’t want to use the “R” word to describe those who besmirch us, but you know, I have learned here that calling someone racist may actually benefit you in some ways even if it is not true at all!  Amazingly, the “R” word apparently can be used indiscriminately and frequently and doesn’t have to be reserved for the real and true racist people who surface occasionally to show their ugly heads. Is that like the boy who cried Wolf?  I say use the word as much as possible if it helps you financially or improves your position in your posse.   Professors, executives and TV hosts can lose their jobs if they are accused of it.   Unfortunately, some people and organizations who are in the business of  propagating nasty, unsubstantiated falsehoods are now allowed to disseminate their pathetic agendas without pushback because the majority who want to pushback are afraid of being falsely labeled racist and thus potentially losing their jobs.

But I don’t care about false accusations when I speak the truth.  I will push back.   We must speak the truth against those with selfish and weak agendas.  Therefore, I think only Danish people can use the “d” word if they feel it is appropriate.  In fact, I am calling for a national boycott of the word danish to describe all sweet rolls.  This boycott will ban the serving of danish rolls on college campuses, police stations and public buildings.  In fact, “Danish awareness” classes now will become mandatory on all college campuses, paid for by higher tuition rates, reimbursed by the U.S. taxpayer.  After all, young people are too stupid to make decisions about good food anyway and it seems logical to regulate all eating habits. Full professorships will be offered in “Danish Awareness Studies.”   Even if a professor or TV host accidently uses the word danish inappropriately, they will be presumed guilty and treated as such on the national media with huge protests hopefully leading to the ruination of their previously illustrious danish roll gobbling careers.

It will become mandatory that Danish social workers and guidance counselors as well as psychologists be available on all college campuses to tutor those who fail their Danish Awareness classes and to raise the level of Danish awareness on campus, even if there are only 0.75 students per 20,000 who are Danish. Psychological trauma due to Danish discrimination must be treated by federally funded psychotherapists and will immediately be compensated for lifelong disability because these people clearly won’t be able to work. Even a miniscule, overly sensitive minority should have absolute power over the majority at all times.

Clearly, anyone who disagrees with this Danish fairness doctrine is a bigot because there is no longer any need for people to have honest, educated disagreement.  Honest discourse is a thing of the past, and yelling loudly while hurling disparaging remarks is the best way to dominate people with differing views who actually think things through.  If you disagree, clearly you are the racist and I refuse to discuss it further.

I will also push to have some national holidays for school children implemented soon, even if it means children will be in school less and learn nothing. We all know that holidays are much more important than learning math and science since uneducated students can easily be taken care of by the state for the rest of their lives, funded by raising taxes and spending lots of money we don’t have studying the issue in focus groups at Starbucks while wearing our cute little running shorts that have never seen sweat.

The Thursday before Easter is Maundy Thursday and will be a mandatory holiday and we will boycott all schools and businesses who don’t enforce it.  In addition, May 1 is Danish day of prayer which must be observed by all school children and public institutions.

J – Day, during the Christmas holidays, marks the tapping of extra special Christmas beer, and all must wear ugly blue hats to commemorate this event.

Although this can’t be enforced yet, we will recommend that all able bodied children ride their bikes to school for fitness as well, as long as the distance is less than 5 miles.

Power to the Danes!  If you have a different opinion you are a bigot and I won’t listen to you but I will bury my head in the sand so I don’t hear you.