Ollie Goes Back to School

“I don’t know about skills anymore.  I am 103 years old and I limp a little and probably drink too much beer.  However, Mr. President, I have been enriched with many blessings in life by Christ, and this includes a long and satisfying —although tragic life, and a brain that still works as well as it did at age 25, but without the stupidity that comes with youth.  So, I will push the question back at you sir.  Although many problems have been thrust upon you to solve, what is a major problem that you think needs to be solved or at least fixed, that seems to be most vexing to you, or least likely to be tackled in the near future?”

Potus touched his chin, became pensive and after several minutes, and a quick finish of his cold diet coke, he said, “The children of America.  The young people it seems, are lost and being led astray by the educational system and the WOKE culture that does not value patriotism, honoring God, or appreciating hard work and sacrifice for the country. We have allowed the brainwashing to go unchecked.  Ollie, is there any way you can help me, or the country, attack this problem and try to guide our children back to the wonderful bright light we call the United States?”

“I am at your service, Mr. President.  I figured you might have a job for me. But if I’m going to climb Mount Everest with a cane, I’ll have to think it over with the assistance of some more Guinness.”

High School 41, Chicago Illinois:

“You’re an excellent superintendent but I think you’ve lost your marbles.”

“Maybe, but despite my objections, they forced my hand in this situation.  No way a 103-year-old man can teach eleventh grade History and Biology. Smith has been in this position for two years, but he suddenly quit and said the stress became too much for him with these “animals” who were impossible to teach and had no desire to learn.”

“So, who are ‘they’ that they think they can —”

“The President’s Council on Education Reform.”  They are cutting off funds to schools that pass all their high school students despite them having sixth grade reading abilities and seventh grade math skills. We have one year to improve our scores before funds are cut off and teachers will be paid on results, you know, that merit-based mumbo-jumbo.’

“But why this ancient guy with Einstein hair and a cane?  Shouldn’t he be in a nursing home, peeing on potted plants and grinning?”

“This meeting is over.  Get over it, Principal Jones.”

History Classroom, 0800.

Ollie walked down the hallway, looing for room 103, but with all the clashing and banging and screaming rocketing down the hall to his sensitive, chronically ringing ears, he hoped that was not coming from 103.

He opened the door and suddenly the room fell silent while the room of 35 just stared at Ollie as he walked to his desk, plopped his briefcase down, placed his cane carefully against his chair so he could grab it quickly with his right hand, and said, “Class, good morning, my name is Ollie and I am your new teacher for History, since your previous teacher quit and no one else was available, or apparently willing.”

Then, the quiet exploded into yelling and laughter: “Damn, you is the oldest piece of shit I’ve ever seen.  Go back to the old folk’s home!”  Then the flying objects smashed around the room and desks were turned over and only three students were quiet in their seats up front. Someone threw a pen at Ollie and he saw it coming before it was airborne, caught it mid-air and flung it back to the assailant where it pierced the face of the cell phone he was using to film Ollie.  The students’ eyes bulged wide and he gulped at the stunning accuracy of the throw.

The room fell silent again.

“There will be no cell phones in my room and there will be order and respect.  Anyone else want to demonstrate their uselessness by throwing things or raising their voices when I do not give you permission to talk?”

Another student rose up and said, “Yo, man, you ain’t talking like that to my homies —I’m going to have to pound your ancient ass!” He made a run to Ollie, jumped up on Ollie’s desk then took a swing at the old man while he was airborne, coming down on Ollie, but Ollie caught his arm mid-air, twisted it to uselessness but not breaking, took the kid to the ground and pinned him while being careful to protect his head on the floor.

The class froze like Alaska in January.  Ollie limped slower than usual to the door without his cane, keeping the student’s arm twisted behind and said, “Get out of my room and don’t come back until you want to learn and graduate.  Do you understand?”

“You’re a dead man you old snake.  All my boys graduate man. You don’t scare me.”

“Lots of people have said that over the years.  In a way, they are right, because a dead man has no fear, and I don’t either.  But they are wrong, because my heart is still beating and my reflexes are strong and trained in ways you will never understand.”

Ollie looked at the rest of the class who continued their stone-cold muteness.

“If there are any of you in this room who want to graduate and get a job in the real world, then you must work in my class and do the assignments and show you care.  If you don’t, you will fail and be low life thugs the rest of your life, parasites to others, dependent on the government for food on your table and at best, you will be in and out of jails.  Your choice.  I am the one who can make you the best you can be.  So here is your assignment for tomorrow:”

1. Learn the Star-Spangled Banner.  Memorize it and you will recite it or sing it to me tomorrow. Also, provide for me the history of this National song and how and where it originated.  If you fail, you will receive an F for that assignment. If you don’t have a computer, all libraries have things called books that have this information.
2. Learn the word Obstreperous.  Each of you will define it for me by heart tomorrow.  If you don’t, you will fail the assignment
3. Learn the word Insolent.  You will define it for me tomorrow.  You will recite the definition to me. It is a pass/fail assignment

What I have observed is that 32 of you are obstreperous and insolent at best.  You will correct that problem.  Because you see, I have seen too many heroes give their precious, courageous lives to defend this great country and they were happy to serve under me and I was proud of them. They did not die for our country to see it fail because of young people who do not care about improving themselves, no matter what their background, or respecting themselves enough to respect their elders.

Those of you who understand me and have any self-respect, will return tomorrow.  Do not be insolent or obstreperous, and come to learn.  Because if you do not, I will not be so gentle on you as I was today, and you will lose the greatest opportunity in your young lives.

Have a good day.

© SRCarson Publications, 2026