I tried to resist, but it happened again, much beyond my control.  Yes, I tumbled over the edge again, by a bumper sticker. While I have nothing against people who enjoy placing bumper stickers on their perfectly nice cars, sometimes, depending on the content, they inexorably pump my creative juices to a point that forces me to write.

Before I spill out the details of my random thoughts, you must know, as a disclaimer that honestly, I honor the institution of marriage, and the love between a man and a woman is the most beautiful thing imaginable.  The comments I am about to make however, are meant to entertain and provoke thought, laughter (I hope) and uncontrollable silliness.  If you take this stuff seriously, then you are guilty of all innuendos and implied behaviors that are forthcoming in this piece.

While impatiently waiting at a stoplight, driving between hospitals, my eyes were hypnotized to read this bumper sticker on this poor schmuck’s brand new SUV: “I love my Wife” with a red heart next to it.  Now c’mon.  Really?  I’ve seen some of these before and each time I see them, I have the same feeling about the prisoner, I mean guy driving the car.  Poor guy, I think I’m going to throw up.  He loves her so much that he allows her to tell him to slap the sticker on the car because she has threatened to tell his friends he’s gay or that he dresses in pink dresses and panty hose when they go to bed if he doesn’t do it.  And he better put the sticker on, because when she drives the kids to soccer practice or drives to do her nails she’s going to look back there to make sure her honey put it on nice and straight without any creases on the sticker.  There’s no way the wifey is insecure about hubby, right?  With a bumper sticker like that, no woman would ever even dream of looking at him let alone winking at him.  She’ll never have to worry.

I admit, I may be wrong about this observation probably because I’m sleep deprived from being on call last night and I’m perilously close to being incoherent.  But I’m sure that there are women who have bumper stickers that say similar things like, “I love my hubby”.  Interestingly, I don’t remember the last time I saw one of those, but in the interest of equality, insecurity is rampant between both sexes when the marriage isn’t strong.

If a man drives a car with a bumper sticker that says, “I Love My Wife”, he really means:

“I love my wife and enjoy my mistress.”

Or:

“My wife is in the trunk, please drive slowly.”

Or:

“Honey, don’t call me now, my wife’s in the car.”

Equality demands that I discuss what women are really thinking when they drive a car that has a bumper sticker that says, “I love my Hubby.”

What she really means is:

“Drive faster, my boy toy is waiting.”

Or:

“Excuse my speeding, but my lover only has an hour.”

Love your spouse and do whatever you can to show and demonstrate that love, without expecting others to care.  And if you’re confident in your marriage, you don’t need to place bumper stickers to show me your wedded bliss.

But if you do, we all know what you’re really thinking right?

SRC